1. it’s been six months since my first date with sarah. that doesn’t seem like a long time, especially when your last relationship was four years long, but it feels like a long time; i mean that in a good way. i’m fairly certain that i want to spend the rest of my life with sarah, so every day, we’re building our life together more and more. it’s a wonderful feeling to be working toward something like that with someone so lovely as her.

2. i deleted courtney’s phone number out of my phone. i don’t know it by heart, because she changed it right before we stopped talking. i no longer have any way of getting in touch with her, and i really don’t ever want to, so that works out well. i honestly hope that i never have to see or speak to her again. as soon as i move out of my apartment this spring, i’ll be rid of her essence for good.

but i can’t remember how to play most of my own songs, so i’d have to re-learn them myself, then teach them to the other people. plus, i don’t know how well i can play/scream at the same time, and i doubt i’ll be able to find a vocalist as adept as nina. also, some of my songs have six simultaneous guitar parts, along with bass, drums, & keyboard(s). backing tracks? i guess…

i just really miss playing shows. i miss the energy, even when it’s just your parents and a few friends in the audience, and literally no one else. there’s nothing quite like playing a concert.

tonight, with the strength of kylee and justine, i brought courtney’s last two possessions (her dress and her sewing machine) to her house, and left them on her porch. i no longer have any reason to see or speak to her, ever again.

i feel so good about that.

i really can’t begin to tell you how lovely you are…how much you bring out the best in me. i love you so much.
you make me feel strong and beautiful, and you make it ok for me to be soft and fragile, as well. i can be me, when i’m with you, in the most pure form.
thank you.

you hadn’t unblocked me on facebook and then messaged me to tell me you broke up with your boyfriend. because i don’t want to know. i don’t care. dropping off your shit and getting mine was, for me, the end. i never wanted to see or hear from you again. i was prepared to take the loss of $365 (really, it’s much more than that, but that’s a technicality) and call it a day. you spent so much time making me miserable and i spent so much time trying to make you happy that i felt that any more contact, especially now that i am a happy person in a healthy relationship, would be a bad idea. and it is a bad idea. so please, just leave me alone.

tonight/tomorrow would have been five years for me & courtney.

it’s been just under a year since we split for good (though i remained attached, and she allowed me to do so for quite a bit after that, despite her seeing someone else).

tomorrow is also nine years since i was raped.

i’m having a bit of an emotional catastrophe today and i’m trying so hard to hold it together because i’m happy and i love sarah and we are so so so good together and this is going to work and it’s going to last but sometimes you just have to let yourself break down.

i am happy, in general. i really am.
but not tonight.

i don’t know why i had spent so much time holding on to someone who makes me feel that horrible even being in the same room. i was a fool.

but i learned my lesson and, seeing her now, i will never, ever make those mistakes again.

waiting to leave my place and go to courtney’s to give her back her shit and get my shit back.

i’m watching regular show and hanging out with my cats, trying to keep myself calm (and trying not to vomit).

wish me luck. i’ll be leaving here at about 12:30.

that it wouldn’t be as easy as i had hoped

i can’t fix your life anymore (not that you’re asking), and all you ever do is work to make it fall apart

i wish i could come rescue my cats, take back my possessions, and just have you out of my life forever

i can forget the money you owe me and the explanations i’d like to hear

but you’ll never make it easy for me…will you?

#171 i lost my job at the bar (Taken with Instagram at Sarah’s)

and i have to use it by thursday. i don’t have to fly anywhere, i just have to purchase a ticket.

i would like to go somewhere i haven’t been, or at least visit someone i haven’t visited before.

who wants me to come visit for a few days?

my requirements are as follows:
• a couch to sleep on or a bed to share (i’m a cuddler)
• an understanding host: i’m a picky eater
• a home free of children
• don’t flake out on me

after years and years of depression that i didn’t really realize had stuck with me so much after high school, it’s nice to wake up in the morning, looking forward to the day, rather than the next time i get to fall asleep.

i’ve surrounded myself with good people and i’m removing as much negativity from my life as possible. so many of you lovely tumblr folk have been so wonderful and encouraging for over two years, now. you guys are as much a part of my heart as my cats.

how dare you suggest to me that i get out of your life and then change your mind an hour later, citing flimsy excuses and making me feel like i’m just some punching bag.

no, you can get out of my life and stay that way. i am done with you. i am going to get all of the things of mine that you have, say goodbye to my kids, and wait for you to write me a check for the $275 you still owe me (most of which you’ve owed me for six months).

and that will be it.

i was going to do one last nice thing for you today. and, because of you, it got messed up, and you made me feel like an awful person for it.

so, fuck you. finish paying me the money you owe me, let me say goodbye to my children (simon & river, bowie & eno) and i will move forward and surround myself with people who know how to treat me, know how to love me, and know how to let me love them.

goodbye.

the psychology by which many people seem to operate baffles me.

example:

last week, you were a horrid bitch to me. you barely paid me back in time for me to pay my credit card bill, you treated me like i was a bad person for wanting to hang out with you and help you get your shit together because you’re about to start going to school, and you threatened to “ruin something in my life” if your relationship got fucked up (which is so stupid because you’ve been fucking it up yourself since day one). you also canceled plans with me by letting me know the day after our plans three times in less than a week.

but as soon as you realized that i’m ok without you around all the time, because i have justine and (not sure how official it is, but basically i have) a new girlfriend and i don’t just spend my time moping when you don’t want to see me, all you want to do is spend time with me.

you text me at 9am and i call you and we say we’ll hang out around 4 and grab dinner, and at 6:30 i’m sitting down for dinner with justine because i haven’t heard from you, and you call me and get pissed that i’m eating dinner without you, and i say “you do this to me all the time and you’re a lot less courteous about it…and i just have to deal with it. we can still hang out, but i couldn’t wait any longer to eat because i’m starving.” and then you throw a mini tantrum via text message but decide you still want to see me because i’ll bring you free food and some cookies.

so i go to see you and you’re so happy to see me and you tell me that they’re the best cookies i’ve ever made and you show me all your school books and you’re so excited about everything and i start to tell you about sarah and i can tell it’s making you jealous so i shut up because i don’t like to play games with people and then i tell you that i have to leave and you somehow pout your way into keeping me there twice as long as i meant to be there and when i leave you act like you wanted me to even though i can tell you wanted me to stay and i can see right through you.

it took me months to be ok with just being your friend, and longer than that to finally fall out of love with you, but i did. i still love you and i still care about you but i can say with full certainty that i am not in love with you and i do not want to be with you.

but i know that, even though you’ve so stubbornly clung to your stupid boyfriend since the end of october, when we started talking again, you still want to be with me. and i hate you for that; for what you put me through for all those months.